Alex and the Unintentional Awesome Monday...

"Do you smoke?" She asks.

I shoot her the look of contempt I give people who ask me stupid fucking questions. I flash the half lit cigarette in my hand.

"I meant weed," she clarifies. It's been awhile since I've had any drugs. Before I was only half listening to the conversations going on around me... now I'm interested.

"It's not at the top of my list but I won't say no if it's in front of me."

She stares off into space for a moment... maybe she's hit the bong one too many times.

"Wanna come smoke with me?" She asks with a slight glimmer in her eye.

Ever find yourself in a situation where you end up getting a hell of a lot more than you bargained for?

Normally, Monday is reserved for chilling with a few friends after spending the weekend drinking and making an abject fool of myself.

This was not one of those Mondays...

It started that way. 'Service' was packed as usual and I'm on the patio bullshitting with 'Jones' while we smoke and I brag about the sins I've committed in the last few days.

Then, my boy 'Lance' rolls up with two girls... I'm slightly intrigued but don't think much of it. Like most of my male friends, he doesn't have a difficult time meeting women.

Like any guy, I check them out. The one on the right is tall and that's literally all I remember about her. I'm not sure how someone can be that unremarkable.

The one of the left was slightly more promising. Long black hair, pretty eyes, decent figure... an opinion that would change later. Problem was, she's short... maybe 5'1" and I'm not LeBron James but I like my women near eye level.

I'm not in the mood to chase tail so I'm polite and then think nothing more of them.

I head inside. Service has everything I could want in a bar. Leather couches, huge ass bar, pool tables and a lack of pretension.

Granted, there's also plenty of 'look at me I'm cool' hipsters, skanks who make my eyes burn and people who give drunken debauchery a bad name but I have yet to discover bar utopia.

One of the coolest parts is the projector screen where they either show weird movies or classic grindhouse porn. I look up and some Cary Grant type tosses some girl on a bed and gets her to play with herself. Then, he brings some other chick and they start to fuck while he watches and drinks scotch.

Two things come to mind while I'm watching this: One, this guy is my hero and two they don't make porn like they used to.

As you might expect, everyone notices this and some guys start pointing and hollering like they've never seen pussy before while most of the girls are looking on curiously appalled.

I see the girls from earlier watching. The tall one I don't remember shit about looks like she's watching a car crash; the short one 'S,' looks kind of interested.

And suddenly so am I. Hey... any girl who can appreciate grindhouse porn is my kind of girl.

Next thing I know, I'm giving her a history lesson on the genre which prompts her to ask what I do for a living.

"I'm a writer."

"What do you write?"

"Well, I can write about anything... but mostly I write about sex."

"Get the fuck outta here... you serious?"

I nod and her eyes light up. When I first got into sex research while in college, I thought girls would just think I'm a perv and avoid me like the plague. Well... I am a perv but my chosen career path has helped my cause.

As she said in the morning after the second time we fucked:

"It'd suck if you were a shitty lay cause of what you do,"

Fair point...

We spend about four hours outside of 'Lance's' apartment getting blazed and talking. I was high, so I don't remember shit but with the help of 'S' the day after here are some highlights.

"So I'm staring at this fence and I'm sitting here like... man, how the hell they make the fence on the other side exactly the same?! Then I realized it's just a shadow."

Drugs do terrible things to people.

Irony = a white Jewish girl who grew up in the suburbs talking to a black person about racism, classism and her experiences in West Africa. This is my life...

In response to me making fun of her because she's short: "I like being small... it really comes in handy." When my skinny ass props her up on the trunk of her car while we're making out, I begin to understand.

The sun was coming out and I'm on top of her in the passenger seat of my car. I suggest we go back to my house. She's reluctant at first but not enough to end up naked in my bed about two hours later.


Apparently I suck at one night stands unless I'm away from home (I'll save that for another day). An unusual meeting, and a shitload of unusual circumstances (there's a lot of shit I left out due to context) and the random girl I met at a bar is now my significant other.

I'm not sure how the fuck I allowed to this happen. Gentlemen... do not go out like I did. Do not make your one night stand breakfast in the morning... just kick them out and throw their underwear out behind them. You don't want to end up like me.

Anyway, I told her she's the most quotable woman I've ever fucked. My favorite line thus far:

"P.S., my vagina and my lip are almost all better and my hair is officially detangled."

In reference to the first weekend we spent together... Twelve mitzvahs and a stack of condoms later.

Oh yeah... about her figure. I had no idea such an amazing ass could exist on a woman so short. I mean... it's damn near perfect. It has just enough 'bounce' on it without being sloppy. You learn something new everyday...

~ Alex Rose

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's true...my ass is that nice
The rest of it is pretty on point too