What's Your Number?

In a culture where hook ups and one night stands are things that are discussed in casual conversation, there appears to be something in the back of a lot of people's mind.

The number...

No, not the one to your phone; your Myspace or Facebook will do just fine thank you. You can keep the social security one too; there's more interest in what's in your pants than what's in your bank account.

What people really seem to want to know is how many people you've slept with.

There's a lot to this number. Apparently, you can use it as a way to determine someone's character, music tastes and future earning potential. You have to be careful with it too and cultivate it appropriately; those new to the game of sex can find themselves on the outside looking in. Like a job, initial experience can be hard to get (if you're male anyway) but is usually necessary to get the very good ones.

Unlike work however, your sexual experience can do more harm than good. To some people, more doesn't necessarily mean better. They believe those who've had a number of sexual partners beyond the arbitrary ideal number, regardless of whether they've conducted themselves safely and reasonably, clearly have some unresolved intimacy issues.

Words like slut or manwhore are often ascribed to those who enjoy sex outside of committed (don't forget heterosexual) relationships. Because anyone who chooses not to be in that sort of relationship at any given point of their lives without forgoing their sexual impulses should have a derogatory noun attached to them.

With that said, guard your number carefully... because there's a lot more riding on it than you think.

~ Alex Rose

Simple Laws of Supply & Demand: the Exploitation of Teenagers Edition...

I saw the greatest thing on an episode of 'Shear Genius' recently. For the 'short cut challenge,' the contestants had to style the hair of little girls. One of them, a precocious, blonde haired, blue eyed wonder who will probably be on the Disney Channel in a few years, cited Paris Hilton as a hero of hers.

Now... I know some people will read this and consider it an official sign of our impending apocalypse but I think the next Dakota Fanning is on the right track. Ms. Hilton once was paid one hundred thousand dollars to make an appearance at a nightclub for thirty minutes. Maybe I'm lacking in the morality department but if I'm making that kind of scratch for doing some shit I'd do anyway, I'd be flashing my pussy to the world to stay relevant too.

I thought about that little girl on Shear Genius after reading this article. The author was ranting about pop culture's fascination with and sexualization of teenage girls and how this terrible, terrible fixation simply has to end.

To be fair, the author presents some valid points. General consensus is paedophilia isn't cool and the media attention given to celebrities five years my junior (or really celebrities in general, regardless of age) borders on exploitative. Unfortunately, for the author and the number of people who will undoubtedly agree with her, is that the laws of supply and demand are as old as civilization itself.

Ask Vanity Fair how many copies of that 'bare shoulders seen round the world' editorial with Miley Cyrus were sold after people started raising hell about it. Ask Perez Hilton who many hits he gets on his website every month. When we wonder why paparazzi tactics amount to stalking (i.e. those pics of Miley in her under things were only seen because someone hacked into her phone) remember that supermarket rags will pay obscene amounts of money to the victor who gets the best (see: anything embarassing and/or scandalous) photo. Then remember the millions of consumers who will buy People magazine so they can see the newest members of the Benetton Jolie-Pitt family.

Our society at large has created a hydra that has successfully permeated large swaths of our culture... fantastic luck in trying to stop it.

~ Alex Rose

Irony, Sex and American Politics Presents: the Failed 'Sin' Tax...

Is there anything more ironic than American politics? We watched (mostly Republican) congressmen shake heads and wag fingers when slick Willie got blown in the Oval Office by an intern. He would later be impeached for this transgression because trying to take the edge off of arguably the hardest job in the world is the same as attempting to break into the Democratic National Committee headquarters.

The irony comes in the years following Clinton's impeachment when the twenty-four hour news cycle starts unearthing secrets that would make some politicians look like they would be more at home with Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan on the cover of US Weekly.

We had a governor of New Jersey who came out of the closet and then resigned his position... because you obviously can't be gay and run a state at the same time. Next up, a Republican congressman from Florida (a crusader against child exploitation of course) who offered to give private ethics lessons to teenage boys on AIM. Another Republican congressman who wanted to get his glory hole on in a Minneapolis airport, only the officer in the stall next to him wasn't really feeling that... he was promptly arrested.

This year has unearthed even more sins of the flesh and to the delight of Reagan fans everywhere it involved a representatives from the Democratic party. Bad ass, former New York Attorney General who pushed his prosecutorial authority to the limit to huff, puff and blow the houses down of executives during all of those Accounting scandals, got busted for his penchant for thousand dollar an hour 'escorts.'

And then there's the pretty boy John Edwards who has had the great pleasure of getting the Bill Clinton treatment from the media over recent weeks. I know, he cheated on his wife who may have been battling cancer and it might be his baby but still... cut the guy some slack.

Regardless though, of the the multitude of sins committed by themselves or their peers, our leaders continue to give the American public advice (and by that I mean maintaining archaic laws or enacting newer, even more ridiculous ones) on what we should (abstaining from sex) or shouldn't (watching porn, fucking someone of your gender) be doing. Honestly, at this point that's like a mother telling her children not to do drugs while she's taking bumps of blow and watching Grey's Anatomy.

Offset the harms that opponents claim the [adult] industry creates, including "numerous health, safety and societal problems, including reducing property values in affected neighborhoods and encouraging unsafe sex and aggressive attitudes toward women." Excerpted from here.

That's the intended purpose, according to Democratic Assemblymen Charles Calderon of a recently proposed bill in California. Thankfully, it died in committee but had it been enacted, this 'sin' tax (which already exists for other enjoyable things like alcohol and cigarettes) would have imposed a twenty-five percent excise tax on adult products and productions. It also would have applied to businesses who sell sexually explicit materials (that means newsstands and gas stations that sell skin mags) and websites.

Some opponents of the bill felt, "the government shouldn't be involved with people's sex lives." There's a part of me that guesses all of those shamed politicians who are now out of public office couldn't agree more.

~ Alex Rose

Public Service Announcement...

Kids... I want to share an important announcement with you courtesy of our exiting president George W. Bush. You, along with myself have been terribly mislead by 'conventional' wisdom, the American Medical Association and even our nation's pregnancy 'experts,' the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Those crazy doctors with their years of newfangled medical research says that pregnancy beings at implantation.

Well, those 'doctors' don't know what the hell they are talking about but our President and his base (the religious right) sure do. That's why, the Department of Health and Human Services released a proposal (technically it was leaked so we're really not supposed to know about it) that allows any federal grant recipients (i.e. federal clinics and health centers) to obstruct a woman's access to contraception.

The importance of this proposal kids is that you and the rest of us misinformed Americans know the truth... that contraceptives like the pill, the patch and that God awful 'emergency' contraceptive those so called intelligent liberals allow to be sold at drug stores is considered 'abortion.' And as you've learned in all of those abstinence only classes you've taken kids... abortion is very, very wrong.

All right... I can't keep a straight face anymore. For more information on this proposal click here.

And for all of you protesters out there, go here where you can sign the petition from MoveOn.org

~ Alex Rose

I Have a Confession to Make...

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Is It 2008? Or 1808?

Occasionally, I visit the website of porn empire Evil Angel to get an idea of some (the porn universe is pretty massive after all) of the content directors are putting out there nowadays. I'm not necessarily a fan of their work as a whole, but I often scan over a host of porn sites in case something interesting catches my eye or I come across a particular girl I think is really hot.

Anyway, I didn't even get to the pages with their content because I noticed a banner on the main page that said "Defend Our Porn"

I click on the banner, and when I realize what was going on... I wanted to throw my computer against the wall.

I know when I talk about certain things, I always mention how fucking angry it makes me. My partner says one thing she really likes about me is how passionate (whether I'm excited or fucking pissed) I am about what I've chosen to do. Anyone who knows me though can tell you I'm a really laid back guy... but when I see that John 'Buttman' Stagliano has been indicted on 'obscenity' charges, I'm hard pressed to feel apathy about it.

Now, while I have two lawyers in family, read a couple books and have watched enough Law & Order to know a thing or two, law isn't exactly my cup of tea. So I'll give you the gist on this but supply the necessary links if you want to really get into it like I did.

Before we go to that, let's first go over the little bit I do know in regards to obscenity law.

According to Miller v. California, in order for material to be deemed legally obscene, a court must determine the following:

Whether the average person, applying contemporary community standards, would find that the work, taken as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest,

Whether the work depicts/describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct or excretory functions specifically defined by applicable state law,

Whether the work, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary and/or artistic, political, or scientific value.

Now, and this is very important to note... the Miller Test was written in 1973...

As in, long before we would have the pleasure of watching people fondle each other in hot tubs (i.e. Real World) or do whatever they deem necessary to win the affections of a quasi famous person (Tila Tequila, New York) or a celebrity passed their prime (Flavor of Love, Rock of Love).

In fact, part of me wonders just how much of what we see everyday on cable television would be considered 'obscene' by the 'community standards' of 1973.

A few days ago, I posted the findings of Google Trends about the Top Ten Cities Most Likely to Search for Obscene Material but I never go into the reason why they did this research. A defense lawyer in an obscenity trial in Florida wants to use the data to prove that 'community standards' may be a bit more varied than the morality police may believe it to be.

In short... subjectivity shouldn't be allowed to send a motherfucker to prison.

All right, I have an idea what you might be thinking... "Alex, isn't the entire legal process more or less based on subjectivity?"

And to some degree, you would be right to think that. I mean, in a murder case, the prosecution has to prove the act beyond a reasonable doubt to twelve people who probably don't even want to be there. Those twelve people hear everything they, along with the defense has to say and make a determination about the fate of the convicted. We have all seen this process go awry more than once...

However, with something like murder, extortion, fraud, rape, (you get the point) there's at least some sort of frame work to work with. The majority of society agrees that taking someone's life, someone's money or sexual consent is not right. All the prosecution has to do in this matter is prove whether or not the convicted actually did these things.

Obscenity though, is a matter of taste... and last I checked, the Constitution wasn't designed to control taste. Yeah, I know people like Don Imus, and Howard Stern have gotten in trouble a time or two with the FCC. Maybe, a website that promotes hatred gets shut down but no one goes to jail. Unless, it is proven that their speech (porn is protected under the First Amendment) was directly responsible to the harm of another person.

Apparently, as reported here the indictment is for films involving squirting, anal squirting and/or enemas. Does any of this sound like it would be directly harmful to another person?

I'll admit... squirting is pretty cool to look at, but I wouldn't spend my money (and by that I mean my time downloading) on any porn movie that specializes in the genre... double goes for anything involving anal. And I'm willing to bet that somewhere, someone who enjoys porn wouldn't give Ass Parade (site I enjoy) a second look.

Point being... some of us like looking at a girl's nice, big ass, others want to see milk shooting out of a girl's ass and we should all be able to seek out porn that will give us exactly what we're looking for... regardless of whether I (or someone else) isn't necessarily into it.

Lest we forget everyone... pornography is produced, filmed, performed, consumed and intended for consenting adults (more or less). Sure, I'm willing to concede that little Jimmy should probably keep his eyes away from it but if you are going to go there, he should probably keep his eyes away from half of the shit that comes on television.

But potential damage it may do to our children of America aside, no one should have the legal power to regulate our goddamn taste or tell us whatever perversion we decide to indulge in (or watch) is 'obscene' and as such punishable by fine or imprisonment.

This shouldn't even be a fucking discussion...

~ Alex Rose

Alex and the Unintentional Awesome Monday...

"Do you smoke?" She asks.

I shoot her the look of contempt I give people who ask me stupid fucking questions. I flash the half lit cigarette in my hand.

"I meant weed," she clarifies. It's been awhile since I've had any drugs. Before I was only half listening to the conversations going on around me... now I'm interested.

"It's not at the top of my list but I won't say no if it's in front of me."

She stares off into space for a moment... maybe she's hit the bong one too many times.

"Wanna come smoke with me?" She asks with a slight glimmer in her eye.


Ever find yourself in a situation where you end up getting a hell of a lot more than you bargained for?

Normally, Monday is reserved for chilling with a few friends after spending the weekend drinking and making an abject fool of myself.

This was not one of those Mondays...

It started that way. 'Service' was packed as usual and I'm on the patio bullshitting with 'Jones' while we smoke and I brag about the sins I've committed in the last few days.

Then, my boy 'Lance' rolls up with two girls... I'm slightly intrigued but don't think much of it. Like most of my male friends, he doesn't have a difficult time meeting women.

Like any guy, I check them out. The one on the right is tall and that's literally all I remember about her. I'm not sure how someone can be that unremarkable.

The one of the left was slightly more promising. Long black hair, pretty eyes, decent figure... an opinion that would change later. Problem was, she's short... maybe 5'1" and I'm not LeBron James but I like my women near eye level.

I'm not in the mood to chase tail so I'm polite and then think nothing more of them.

I head inside. Service has everything I could want in a bar. Leather couches, huge ass bar, pool tables and a lack of pretension.

Granted, there's also plenty of 'look at me I'm cool' hipsters, skanks who make my eyes burn and people who give drunken debauchery a bad name but I have yet to discover bar utopia.

One of the coolest parts is the projector screen where they either show weird movies or classic grindhouse porn. I look up and some Cary Grant type tosses some girl on a bed and gets her to play with herself. Then, he brings some other chick and they start to fuck while he watches and drinks scotch.

Two things come to mind while I'm watching this: One, this guy is my hero and two they don't make porn like they used to.

As you might expect, everyone notices this and some guys start pointing and hollering like they've never seen pussy before while most of the girls are looking on curiously appalled.

I see the girls from earlier watching. The tall one I don't remember shit about looks like she's watching a car crash; the short one 'S,' looks kind of interested.

And suddenly so am I. Hey... any girl who can appreciate grindhouse porn is my kind of girl.

Next thing I know, I'm giving her a history lesson on the genre which prompts her to ask what I do for a living.

"I'm a writer."

"What do you write?"

"Well, I can write about anything... but mostly I write about sex."

"Get the fuck outta here... you serious?"

I nod and her eyes light up. When I first got into sex research while in college, I thought girls would just think I'm a perv and avoid me like the plague. Well... I am a perv but my chosen career path has helped my cause.

As she said in the morning after the second time we fucked:

"It'd suck if you were a shitty lay cause of what you do,"

Fair point...

We spend about four hours outside of 'Lance's' apartment getting blazed and talking. I was high, so I don't remember shit but with the help of 'S' the day after here are some highlights.

"So I'm staring at this fence and I'm sitting here like... man, how the hell they make the fence on the other side exactly the same?! Then I realized it's just a shadow."

Drugs do terrible things to people.

Irony = a white Jewish girl who grew up in the suburbs talking to a black person about racism, classism and her experiences in West Africa. This is my life...

In response to me making fun of her because she's short: "I like being small... it really comes in handy." When my skinny ass props her up on the trunk of her car while we're making out, I begin to understand.

The sun was coming out and I'm on top of her in the passenger seat of my car. I suggest we go back to my house. She's reluctant at first but not enough to end up naked in my bed about two hours later.

Postscript:

Apparently I suck at one night stands unless I'm away from home (I'll save that for another day). An unusual meeting, and a shitload of unusual circumstances (there's a lot of shit I left out due to context) and the random girl I met at a bar is now my significant other.

I'm not sure how the fuck I allowed to this happen. Gentlemen... do not go out like I did. Do not make your one night stand breakfast in the morning... just kick them out and throw their underwear out behind them. You don't want to end up like me.

Anyway, I told her she's the most quotable woman I've ever fucked. My favorite line thus far:

"P.S., my vagina and my lip are almost all better and my hair is officially detangled."

In reference to the first weekend we spent together... Twelve mitzvahs and a stack of condoms later.

Oh yeah... about her figure. I had no idea such an amazing ass could exist on a woman so short. I mean... it's damn near perfect. It has just enough 'bounce' on it without being sloppy. You learn something new everyday...

~ Alex Rose

Alex Rose and Four Bottles of Wine...

Four people...

Four bottles of wine...

A game of 'Sorry' that wasn't finished...

'Talladega Nights' was hardly watched... by the time it came on, I don't think I could see the television.

The brilliant idea to go swimming...

The really brilliant idea to go swimming without clothes on...

2 dicks, 2 pussies... four awesome tits and two gorgeous asses (sorry 'Sparrow' you're not one of the two dude)

No sex but a good time was still had by all. I woke up the next morning on a friends couch, curled up, feeling like I've been jabbed with a hammer and wondering how the hell I got there.

I was right though... wine drunk is fucking awesome.

~ Alex Rose

Alex Rose and These 'Fucking' Friends of His...

Before I get to my hilarious evening, I want to thank 'A.S.' for their amazing question that was sent to me a few days ago.

I just discovered it today and because it's such a great and layered question, I'll likely need one more day (and one more night of drinking) to think about it.

But I will answer it... thank you again.

-------------------------------------------------

A legendary night =

- Being drunk before midnight... I'm not sure how this happened, it wasn't my intention at all.

- Watching a few of your female acquaintances/friends make out with a few of your male friends and each other.

- Getting crunk to 'The Carter III' in the parking lot of the club with a bunch of your friends because none of you are sober enough to drive home.

- Looking up and seeing one of your male friends (outside of the car) fucking a girl doggystyle (inside of the car) like it's the last piece of pussy he'll ever have in his life. Man... I wish you could have seen it... he was fucking this girl like the fountain of youth was in there.

- Talking to a female friend of yours about life and relationships while one of her friends is being fucked and the other is being fingered about ten feet away from us.

- Laughing hysterically at your male friend when he comes up to you with his post coital dick sticking out of his tight, white briefs.

- Watching your friends watch another one of our friends fuck in the backseat of a car.

- And finally... driving home and thinking about how deliciously fucked up my life is.

~ Alex Rose

Sex, Censored...

It's all fun and games until your daughter comes home pregnant...

Or with the clap...

All right, I'm being overdramatic but this incident in Utah, something that happens far too often in numerous parts of this country makes my blood boil. Now, it should be mentioned, both the STD and pregnancy statistics for teenagers have gone down in recent years.

But... as Sex, etc. (a website dedicated to educating teens about sex) is quick to point out, there is no replacement for a good (emphasis on good) old-fashioned sex ed course.

This brings us back to Utah where a group of parents are pissed because a health teacher at Fort Herriman Middle School gave children information they claim is 'outside the curriculum.' Now, some lawmakers in the state actually want to make it a crime to step outside the sexual education laws.

What 'edgy' information this teacher, who is a sex ed veteran with more than 30 years of experience, impart on young and impressionable children you ask? She apparently answered the students questions on gay sex, oral sex, and masturbation. Yeah... these parents are up in arms about topics I've heard seventh graders give dissertations on (I'm exaggerating... but not by much).

Look, if this teacher is telling these kids about the finer points of 'shrimping' (I'll talk about that tomorrow) I would understand but at worst she offered a small amount of insight on anal sex. With regards to oral sex and masturbation... nowadays, kids learn about that stuff through simple osmosis.

As 'sex radical' as I am, I don't advocate middle school or even underclass high school kids rolling around with each other but the bottom line is they do. And if they're going to, they should do it intelligently and safely. It's better that they know than engaging in sexual activity in ignorance... cause not every kid can get away with being an idiot like Jamie Lynn Spears.

~ Alex Rose

I Now Pronounce You... Husband and well... Husband...

Well, it appears this time may be for keeps... perhaps the third time is indeed the charm.

I had another commentary planned for today until I heard about California's Supreme Court ruling to allow same-sex marriages; the second state to do so behind Massachusetts. Notice I said 'California,' making this ruling very different from 2004 when San Francisco overlooked the law and married over 4,000 same-sex couples. These marriages were later overturned by the state.

Normally, this story would make me yawn because after living in one of the slowest moving industrialized countries in the world in terms of important social change for all of my life, (more on that in a second) I never get excited about progress until it actually happens. But this ruling actually has some teeth since unlike Massachusetts (where you have to be a legal resident) California will accept couples regardless of residency and New York will fully honor those unions.

Of course, it isn't all wedding bells and rose pedals. While it was a hot button in the last election cycle, both Obama and McCain have more or less have decide to avoid this issue like the plague though they have both have supported states that take the lead on this issue. Also (like in 2004) voters will decide to a state constitutional amendment that would put same-sex couples right back where they started. Still, those couples have come out in full force in the past few days, including many who were at the top of the courthouse steps in San Francisco during that 'Winter of Love.'

Personally, I think gay people should be as miserable in legal marriage as us straight ones, though I'll admit same-sex marriage would make divorce court judges have to sweat a bit... they won't be able to just screw the husband over like they normally do. Beyond my personal feelings however, the reasoning people give against gay marriage is pretty stupid.

Our current divorce rate is a median 48% and we've consistently made it easier and easier to get a divorce. In Las Vegas, you can get married with the ease of getting a cheeseburger and there are countless reality shows about brides being bitches or how much money people have spent on their ceremonies. I'm sorry, but these things sort of take the sting out of 'sanctity of marriage' stance a bit.

Lastly, there's this list to consider:

The Netherlands
Belgium
Canada
Spain
Britain
South FUCKING Africa
Norway

All countries that allow same-sex marriages. I mean, really... if former apartheid South Africa can get with the program, so can we.

~ Alex Rose

A Hedonist's Manifesto...

"Ladies and Gentlemen... we are gathered here today to get through this thing called Life..."


The proper hedonist worships the unholy trinity of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

We throw caution (and occasionally) our underwear to the wind... that is if we're even wearing any.

With that said, we go where the winds of life carry us, leaving our tossed away under things behind.

We eat, drink, live, love, fuck (but never sleep) in the night. Hello darkness... you're one of my dearest friends.

Sunrise > than sunset... unless it's your second sunset in a row without sleep. Now would be a good time to put down the amphetamines.

Full inventory of 'excuse' days is wholly necessary. Because 'sick' and 'weekend bender' are entirely interchangeable.

The proper hedonist always remembers... if you don't ask, you don't get.

We observe rules like a herd of Hindu cows (see "rule." read: suggestion... especially if the authorities aren't around)

For a hedonist, life is lived on the edge; from here, you can see everything you cannot from the center.

Another's pleasure is never judged. Rather, we taste them for ourselves... we may end up enjoying them.

"Never" isn't in the hedonist vocabulary. "No" however (and this is more towards the ladies) is.

We make mistakes... though we prefer to call it "testing our boundaries."

The proper hedonist never experiences any of the following: regret, guilt or shame. Peace, love and honesty on the other hand are experienced often.

The flask or any method of transporting alcohol is an essential accessory for the proper hedonist. Other accessories may include (though most certainly aren't limited to) rolled dollar bills, condoms, handcuffs or a certain diamond shaped blue pill.

This one is simple: give love, get love... give drink, get drink.

A hedonist always remembers personal happiness is paramount; yours, ours and yes... even theirs.

Much respect goes to the virtues of risk, taboo, controversy and skinny dipping.

And finally... when you wake up in the morning with a new 'friend' next to you and your brain pulsating, smile to yourself and remember the world needs us... because no one wants to party with their accountants.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Hello... once again, my name is Alex Rose and starting this Monday, this space will be used to share tales of me making an ass of myself with utter impunity with the viewing public. Mostly though, I'm going to discuss, in great detail (and from various 'angles') everyone's favorite extracurricular activity. On Thursday's, I would like to do sort of a question of the week segment so any brave soul that would like to be my first guinea pig (I assure you... I mean that in the best way possible) show me what you got here:

Scarlett.Revolver@gmail.com

Though it should go without saying, for those of you super scared about someone you're close to discovering how fucked up you really are, know that my primary interest is getting inside your head... not destroying your life. Hell, you don't even have to tell me your name if you don't want to. Regardless, your secret is safe with me and at this point in my life, I've seen too much (and done much more) to cast any judgments. I'm not your reverend kids... just your neighborhood sex columnist. Now, I'll be spending the next three nights in dark rooms filled with sweaty people rubbing against each other, likely drunk off my ass and making a fool of myself. Enjoy your weekend everyone...

~ Alex Rose