Alex Rose and These 'Fucking' Friends of His...

Before I get to my hilarious evening, I want to thank 'A.S.' for their amazing question that was sent to me a few days ago.

I just discovered it today and because it's such a great and layered question, I'll likely need one more day (and one more night of drinking) to think about it.

But I will answer it... thank you again.


A legendary night =

- Being drunk
before midnight... I'm not sure how this happened, it wasn't my intention at all.

- Watching a few of your female acquaintances/friends make out with a few of your male friends and each other.

- Getting
crunk to 'The Carter III' in the parking lot of the club with a bunch of your friends because none of you are sober enough to drive home.

- Looking up and seeing one of your male friends (outside of the car) fucking a girl
doggystyle (inside of the car) like it's the last piece of pussy he'll ever have in his life. Man... I wish you could have seen it... he was fucking this girl like the fountain of youth was in there.

- Talking to a female friend of yours about life and relationships while one of her friends is being fucked and the other is being fingered about ten feet away from us.

- Laughing hysterically at your male friend when he comes up to you with his post coital dick sticking out of his tight, white briefs.

- Watching your friends watch another one of our friends fuck in the backseat of a car.

- And finally... driving home and thinking about how deliciously fucked up my life is.

~ Alex Rose


Sex, Censored...

It's all fun and games until your daughter comes home pregnant...

Or with the clap...

All right, I'm being overdramatic but this incident in Utah, something that happens far too often in numerous parts of this country makes my blood boil. Now, it should be mentioned, both the STD and pregnancy statistics for teenagers have gone down in recent years.

But... as Sex, etc. (a website dedicated to educating teens about sex) is quick to point out, there is no replacement for a good (emphasis on good) old-fashioned sex ed course.

This brings us back to Utah where a group of parents are pissed because a health teacher at Fort Herriman Middle School gave children information they claim is 'outside the curriculum.'
Now, some lawmakers in the state actually want to make it a crime to step outside the sexual education laws.

What 'edgy' information this teacher, who is a sex ed veteran with more than 30 years of experience, impart on young and impressionable children you ask? She apparently answered the students questions on gay sex, oral sex, and masturbation. Yeah... these parents are up in arms about topics I've heard seventh graders give dissertations on (I'm exaggerating... but not by much).

Look, if this teacher is telling these kids about the finer points of 'shrimping' (I'll talk about that tomorrow) I would understand but at worst she offered a small amount of insight on anal sex. With regards to oral sex and masturbation... nowadays, kids learn about that stuff through simple osmosis.

As 'sex radical' as I am, I don't advocate middle school or even underclass high school kids rolling around with each other but the bottom line is they do. And if they're going to, they should do it intelligently and safely. It's better that they know than engaging in sexual activity in ignorance... cause not every kid can get away with being an idiot like Jamie Lynn Spears.

~ Alex Rose


I Now Pronounce You... Husband and well... Husband...

Well, it appears this time may be for keeps... perhaps the third time is indeed the charm.

I had another commentary planned for today until I heard about California's Supreme Court ruling to allow same-sex marriages; the second state to do so behind Massachusetts. Notice I said 'California,' making this ruling very different from 2004 when San Francisco overlooked the law and married over 4,000 same-sex couples. These marriages were later overturned by the state.

Normally, this story would make me yawn because after living in one of the slowest moving industrialized countries in the world in terms of important social change for all of my life, (more on that in a second) I never get excited about progress until it actually happens. But this ruling actually has some teeth since unlike Massachusetts (where you have to be a legal resident) California will accept couples regardless of residency and New York will fully honor those unions.

Of course, it isn't all wedding bells and rose pedals. While it was a hot button in the last election cycle, both Obama and McCain have more or less have decide to avoid this issue like the plague though they have both have supported states that take the lead on this issue. Also (like in 2004) voters will decide to a state constitutional amendment that would put same-sex couples right back where they started. Still, those couples have come out in full force in the past few days, including many who were at the top of the courthouse steps in San Francisco during that 'Winter of Love.'

Personally, I think gay people should be as miserable in legal marriage as us straight ones, though I'll admit same-sex marriage would make divorce court judges have to sweat a bit... they won't be able to just screw the husband over like they normally do. Beyond my personal feelings however, the reasoning people give against gay marriage is pretty stupid.

Our current divorce rate is a median 48% and we've consistently made it easier and easier to get a divorce. In Las Vegas, you can get married with the ease of getting a cheeseburger and there are countless reality shows about brides being bitches or how much money people have spent on their ceremonies. I'm sorry, but these things sort of take the sting out of 'sanctity of marriage' stance a bit.

Lastly, there's this list to consider:

The Netherlands
South FUCKING Africa

All countries that allow same-sex marriages. I mean, really... if former apartheid South Africa can get with the program, so can we.

~ Alex Rose


A Hedonist's Manifesto...

"Ladies and Gentlemen... we are gathered here today to get through this thing called Life..."

The proper hedonist worships the unholy trinity of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

We throw caution (and occasionally) our underwear to the wind... that is if we're even wearing any.

With that said, we go where the winds of life carry us, leaving our tossed away under things behind.

We eat, drink, live, love, fuck (but never sleep) in the night. Hello darkness... you're one of my dearest friends.

Sunrise > than sunset... unless it's your second sunset in a row without sleep. Now would be a good time to put down the amphetamines.

Full inventory of 'excuse' days is wholly necessary. Because 'sick' and 'weekend bender' are entirely interchangeable.

The proper hedonist always remembers... if you don't ask, you don't get.

We observe rules like a herd of Hindu cows (see "rule." read: suggestion... especially if the authorities aren't around)

For a hedonist, life is lived on the edge; from here, you can see everything you cannot from the center.

Another's pleasure is never judged. Rather, we taste them for ourselves... we may end up enjoying them.

"Never" isn't in the hedonist vocabulary. "No" however (and this is more towards the ladies) is.

We make mistakes... though we prefer to call it "testing our boundaries."

The proper hedonist never experiences any of the following: regret, guilt or shame. Peace, love and honesty on the other hand are experienced often.

The flask or any method of transporting alcohol is an essential accessory for the proper hedonist. Other accessories may include (though most certainly aren't limited to) rolled dollar bills, condoms, handcuffs or a certain diamond shaped blue pill.

This one is simple: give love, get love... give drink, get drink.

A hedonist always remembers personal happiness is paramount; yours, ours and yes... even theirs.

Much respect goes to the virtues of risk, taboo, controversy and skinny dipping.

And finally... when you wake up in the morning with a new 'friend' next to you and your brain pulsating, smile to yourself and remember the world needs us... because no one wants to party with their accountants.


Hello... once again, my name is Alex Rose and starting this Monday, this space will be used to share tales of me making an ass of myself with utter impunity with the viewing public. Mostly though, I'm going to discuss, in great detail (and from various 'angles') everyone's favorite extracurricular activity. On Thursday's, I would like to do sort of a question of the week segment so any brave soul that would like to be my first guinea pig (I assure you... I mean that in the best way possible) show me what you got here:


Though it should go without saying, for those of you super scared about someone you're close to discovering how fucked up you really are, know that my primary interest is getting inside your head... not destroying your life. Hell, you don't even have to tell me your name if you don't want to. Regardless, your secret is safe with me and at this point in my life, I've seen too much (and done much more) to cast any judgments. I'm not your reverend kids... just your neighborhood sex columnist. Now, I'll be spending the next three nights in dark rooms filled with sweaty people rubbing against each other, likely drunk off my ass and making a fool of myself. Enjoy your weekend everyone...

~ Alex Rose